Alive & Well
December, 1991 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
Page 13
by Kyle Rose
It's the holiday season, that special time of year that I always look forward to with an equal combination of joyful expectation and personal trepidation. I suppose that only makes sense, since most of us tend to build the holidays up to such a dizzying degree that there would have to be the downside too.
But somehow, at this point in my life, I have this funny feeling that there is something basically unhealthy in all of this. There seems to be just a wee bit too much of a personal emotional investment in this. And while I certainly do not want to deny myself any of the happiness that the holidays may bring I think there must be a way other than bouncing up and down the emotional scale to celebrate this season.
So, after some careful thought and with healthy intentions and few expectations here are a few of the things I've decided to do this year towards Laving a beautiful and peaceful holiday:
The first thing I'm going to do is let myself play. I'm going to let the kid in me out and have some fun. It just doesn't all have to be that serious. After all, it's a holiday and not a day of reckoning. And if something comes up that needs to be dealt with, then that's okay because the adult in me is always right there to step in and take care of it. I'm going to trust myself.
Second, I'm going to honor myself and give myself permission to embrace my feelings. I'm not going to be afraid of letting myself experience joy but am going to give in to it, celebrate it and share it. And, if I'm feeling depressed I'm going to embrace that too, because that's all right. I don't have to be afraid because there's a message in that for me and I'm going to listen to it, know that there is something I can do about it today and reach out and share it.
Third, I'm going to remember that I always
have a choice. For example, I have my birth family and I have my family of choice and I can choose when and what I share and with whom. My first responsibility is to myself, to have a beautiful and peaceful holiday.
Last, I am going to give myself a very special present, in addition to this beautiful and peaceful holiday which in itself is a rare gift a long time in the coming. I don't know what that gift is, but I'm keeping my eyes open because I'll know it when I see it. I'm going to wrap it up, write a card, put it under the tree and spend at least a week shaking it and squeezing it until at last I open it. It will still be a joyful surprise because that's how special it will be. There will be gifts for others too.
Also,very special gifts. Very simple gifts. From the heart. None of my gifts are going to be expensive or impressive this year but they will all be personal and expressive. This year I'm sharing. I'm not giving and I'm not taking. I'm not going to be expectant and I'm not going to be reluctant. I'm just going to give myself the holiday, the warm, beautiful and peaceful holiday that I deserve.
As I finish writing these things, however, I find myself feeling a familiar wave of cynical sadness. Why does it have to take the holidays for all of these things to happen? Childish joy, unselfish generosity, unconditional feelings of warmth and compassion and the open willingness to express to self and others.
Well, I am sure that I could write several pages at least on that question, but even as I type this it strikes me that what is more important is what I can do to keep these things in my life throughout the year. So, I'm going to go all the way. I'm going to write my New Years resolutions with this goal in mind and share them with you as well:
1. I am going to say something nice to
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2. I am going to say something nice to someone else every day.
3. I am going to give myself a gift every day. It may be five minutes of time out, a pat on the back or permission to try something new. Nothing big, but always something special.
4. I am going to do something nice for someone else every day. Maybe a phone call or a card or something as simple as taking a few moments out to think of them or acknowledge them, but for these few moments a day I'm going to get out of myself and be there for someone else.
That's it. Short and simple. While I don't know that these will make the most significant and dramatic changes in my life I do know that I feel better already. So, it's definitely worth the effort to give it a chance. And who knows, maybe this New Year, 1992, will be a better one for all of us! Happy Holidays!▼
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